Well. The title is based on a true story but in all actuality is quite false. I was in a joyous mood at the local Valero when I noticed this bizarre machine full of mouth-watering treats. After staring at this beautiful machine for a couple of minutes, I asked the young boy (meaning about the age of eight) next to me "What exactly does that marvelous contraption produce?" or at least something along the lines of that. It was a milkshake machine...in the middle of the Valero. Truly wonderful. After conversing with my new friend, I waited in line to purchase my drink of choice. An older man and his grandson/son/significantly-younger-friend were behind me glancing at the food section. This Valero is new and has a mini restaurant inside. I know. Milkshakes and a miniature restaurant? What more could a girl ask for? Absolutely nothing. The older man's grandson/son/significantly-younger-friend took notice to the boudin balls. For some reason, I decided to offer my opinion and told them how delicious they were. I'm not sure why I did this because I've never had one from this Valero. Basically, I was in such a good mood that I was beginning to make up lies just as an excuse to talk to strangers. Upsetting. The older man began to tell me that his son/...let's just call him Jake...Jake worked at a place that had delectable boudin balls, Bergeron's. My body filled with extreme excitement as I announced "Bergeron's! My roommate's family owns that!" If you haven't tried Bergeron's Boudin and Cajun Meats you really need to. Crawfish pies, meat pies, barbecue sandwiches, and all sorts of Cajun foods will you seduce you once you go inside. We chatted about my roommate and what a coincidence it was that we were speaking...I don't know...when all of the sudden the older man asked me if I was single. Usually, I would say no and make up some boyfriend of mine who is a member of Cirque du Soleil, but for this man I was honest and told him that unfortunately I was taken by all seven of my boyfriends (exhausting). Just kidding, I admitted to being single. He then proceeded to tell me about "Jake" being single as well and that we should go out sometime. I became awkward and then the stuttering began and I proceeded to walk backwards out of the Valero.
Recently, we had to have a plumber come to our house because after one of our "house warming parties" someone decided to blow the toilet up. We purchased some insane type of drano called "Liquid Fire" that was literally liquid fire. This may be a little inappropriate for me to say, but the shit was literally steaming. After pouring the volcanic acid down almost all of the drains (just for shits and giggles...get it? Ba dum tsh...), I took the gloves off (besides recommending gloves while using the product, it also advised users to wear an "entire face shield") and realized that duct tape was inside of them and it was stuck to my fingers. Later on, we realized that the liquid fire had burned through the rubber gloves and onto my skin. It was really cool and exciting, kind of like a game of "Who Can Burn through the Highest Amount of Objects". We called the plumber immediately and the four residents of the Kirby Manor divided up the cost. Ali and I needed to go through the bank to get the dough so Grady, Ali, and I went on an adventure to hell. After leaving the bank, we stopped at the Circle K to grab some snacks so we could give Madeline the exact change because that's how frugal we are (don't judge). I grabbed a pack of gum (I was starving) and got in the line as the other members of my crew checked out all of the healthy selections that the convenient store offered. While checking out, I could see into the parking lot and I noticed a rather large black woman pull up. She was talking on her cellphone and as she got out, her strapless dress came down and my eyes were burned with the image of her entire bosom...nipple (I loathe that word) and all. This would all happen while Grady and Ali were nowhere near for us to share the experience. Literally, with tears in my eyes, all I could do was look at them and tell them we needed to leave. Soon. Ahh...my eyes are watering as I'm typing because that boob is just staring through my soul.
For New Years, we went to Austin, but that's going to have to be another blog post. Happy New Year mofos. Peace, love, and drive-by nipple sightings.
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