The Fifth Grade Blues

Possibly an awkward year for everyone? Or just me? I'll share some stories with you and maybe you'll feel better about yourself. Be aware that I'll be sharing stories with you of various peers because they're all to great to keep to myself.

Ms. (Mrs. now?) Geneaux (I think that's how you spell her name...) every nine weeks or so would have a raffle and boy was this raffle the best thing that had ever come to St. Joseph's. She would put it homework passes, colored pencils, GEL PENS!!!!, USA themed toys/bandanas (I'm currently sitting at Starbucks trying to look intelligent while "studying" and I'm pretty sure Dwight Schrute's twin just showed up for a latte), and then one day...she threw in....the bone pen. You're probably wondering "What is a bone pen?" I will tell you what a bone pen is. A bone pen (let's see how many more times I can say bone pen (1)) is a pen shaped like a human bone:

A friend of mine, Austin Andre (I'll only use fake names on the embarassing ones), won this bone pen and everyone was incredibly jealous. Later that day, in Senorita Sanchez' espanol (obviously) class, he just could not handle this pen anymore. So the devil woman took it up. He got a little upset and told her "That is my pen, give it back." She responded "Sue me." How mature right? UGH. Austin "I WILL!!!!!" He got a detention for standing up for his fake femur. 

If you're from Shreveport, you'll know a man named Tony Taglivore (newscaster), who (I'm not sure if he still does this) does a "Tony Live" segment where he goes to elementary/middle schools at 4:30 a.m. (yeah.) and I guess talks about them? Well, he came to St. Joe's back in fifth grade. Let me tell you now, this was the worst decision Tony could have made. A) Everyone had to be there at 4:30 in the morning, but "we're going to be on the SHREVEPORT NEWS MOM PLEASE" so Cricket let me attend. We had to wear our janky pep squad uniforms that were one pieces with a waistband and you folded it under the waistband so it would look like two pieces. Only the best for S-J-S. I was such a good cheerleader. So that morning Tony does his thing and the cheerleading squads do some cheers. He brings out the biggest cake I've ever seen in my entire life. Seriously like seven feet long, 50 feet wide. Just kidding, but it was large.

 The worst things to say to fifth graders live on television (we got to be in the front for some strange reason) is "DIG IN." On the recording, me and my old pal Reno Grossi, dive across the crowd and into the huge cake. This proceeds into St. Joseph's Catholic School having what I'm pretty sure was the first live-broadcast food fight on Shreveport news. All of the teachers were extremely upset. 

One of my dearest friends, Rose Pettiette, was very cool back then (what happened Ro-ey?) and my other friend Mary Oden (was just as cool, don't get me wrong) but those two had a bet and if Mary lost, she would have to be Rose's slave for a day. Mary lost. The day came where Mary was Rose's "slave" and so this encouraged Rose to say some crude things for a fifth grader to say to another fifth grader (no bad words or bad names, but just not appropriate things like making Mary do belittle-ing things). The teachers had a special meeting with Rose telling her she could not have Mary Oden as a slave. They really did think this was real. I am giggling out loud at Starbucks right now by myself with the hipsters.

They're all looking at me in my over sized t-shirts and Nike's so I'm going to scaddaddleeee on out of here. Love yall. Miss yall. Wanna be yall. Bye.

I Can't Make This Stuff Up.

This past weekend has really had me thinking my life is like "The Truman Show". Seriously though, there is no way that my life has this many awkward happenings for it to be real. It's not real life. I'll give you all a little break down starting with "wow, that's odd" to "this can't be real".

1) Yesterday, my friends and I went to Dick's Sporting Goods to look for some new tennis shoes and maybe a new rain jacket (Koppen's are the coolest by far). While they were looking at the shoes again, I went over to the exercise equipment section and began to explore (like a 7 year old). I was on a new elliptical machine that has a TV built in, and also a  fan. It was huge. I walked around the corner to meet back up with them when...BAM. The greatest thing I've ever seen is right there. The Ab Glider.

I was thrilled. I hopped on that bad boy and began to glide. I did it for a good three minutes and just couldn't figure out how in the world it worked. I found Haley and Mallory and explained to them "Y'all. There is an Ab Glider over there." They (Haley) got equally as excited. I hopped on again and told them I didn't understand how it worked. Fortunately (unfortunately), there was another shopper near by. He was probably 35+, into working out (he was checking out biking gear), and into helping some young adults figure out the Ab Glider. What a peach. As I'm trying to "glide" (yikes) he came up and held the handle bar for me and began to "personally train" my ab gliding self. It was weird man. 

2) Haley and I went to go see the movie "Our Idiot Brother" last night. Not what I expected it to be, but it was so great. I thought it was supposed to be a straight up comedy, but it was more of a feel-good movie. It was still funny, but there were many moments when you just felt good. Hence the "feel-good" -____-. I laughed, I almost cried, and it made me want to be a better person. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. Anyways, on the way to the movie, we stopped at a gas station to get some Lunchables and candy to sneak in.

 Very classy. I was on the phone with my mom, Cricket, when this man looked at Haley and I and began to wave at one of us. I looked at Haley who wasn't paying that much attention so I put my context clues together and realized he was waving at me. "Mom, I've got to go..." I waved back and from one end of the gas station he yelled "Sydney Fletcher right?!" I was hoping "Maybe he's read my blog. My first fan (!!!!!!)." Wrong. I went up and asked how he was doing, basically pretending I knew this man. His response was "You went to Holy Rosary right? I recognize you from there." Uh......."Yes sir, I went there K-3-Kindergarten." What the heck? I know I've got a memorable voice, and memorable hair, but three years old to twenty years old? SECRET OBSESSION?! Just kidding, later on I realized I did know this man. He's friends with my grandparents. Sorry, for making you feel like a creeper good sir.

3) The weirdest thing of this weekend. Are you ready? Because I'm not sure if you are. I'm not sure if I am either, but here we go. A lot of my friends from Baton Rouge went to Dallas this weekend for the LSU vs Oregon game (Geaux Tigers.) on Friday morning through the weekend. Friday night, I was watching the TCU vs. Baylor game (great game by the way) when I received a picture text message from a number I didn't know. The picture is an advertisement of some sort with two girls and the caption is "Hey gurl." This is what I receieved:

I looked at it for a good while, finally figured out it was Millicent who sent it to me, and I thought she did the thing where people put faces on other peoples bodies, FaceinHole. Then she explained that this is an actual advertisement at Jake's Burger Place in Dallas, TX. Uh......this is real?........Either I have an identical twin that wears a lot of make up, or this could be a lawsuit. Now I'm not saying that's my body. Because I can guarantee you right now....it's not. But that is my facial structure in every way. The teeth are bigger than mine, but still. That is my nose, those are my tiny half-moon eyes. I'm very disturbed. Twin: if you are some how reading this blog, please contact me so we can meet. 

I wish some of my stories on here were made up, but they are not. All of them are 100% real, besides the changing of names which is strictly to protect their identities (something that I lack, obviously). Happy Tuesday y'all. 

This blog post is dedicated to my mother's dear friend Tony Luce and his daughter Tori Luce. May you rest in peace beautiful girl. Hope this can bring some happiness to you Tony.

I'm a Pageant Star. Pt. 2

Happy Hump Day/National Trail Mix Day/Last Day of August!!!!!!!!!!!!! September is tomorrow! Yahoo! My favorite month is October and this just means we're getting closer. Yesterday, you were all given a taste of my pageantry life. Aren't y'all lucky. To begin the day of the pageant (I already mentioned I was not feeling so hot in the previous post), we had to do interviews with the judges. My breathe smelled like alcohol (seriously). Fortunately, one of my fellow beauty queens had a spare Altoid (whew!). It was our time to walk in and sit at the tables with the awkward judges.

In the interviews, I went into them with the mindset of honesty (as opposed to flat out lying, I guess?). So when they asked me "Do you think we'll ever achieve world peace?"(Really?) I honestly responded "No, not really." Now, some of you will think I was just being negative, but I explained my answer. I basically told the little man that everyone on Earth wants to be more powerful than the other, and with that there will never be "world peace". It worked for me (like the energy shot). 

After the interviews, we had time to go home and get our "things". I gather my bedazzled sailor costume (gag), my dress (that I still have from you Rebecca Stewart) that was too short, my bathing suit (I've got the chills) and a few more things. On my way to the Union (where this monstrosity was held) I had to stop and get something to eat. Since I was going to be walking around in a bathing suit (I did p90x for about two weeks with three months to prepare for this, then quit...), I figured I should eat something that won't make me bloat (yes, I just wrote that), so I get a smoothie from Smoothie King. 

Arrived at the Union and everyone looks way more prepared than I do. Some people even had containers on wheels. Yeah. We began practicing. Oh lord.

First, we go with the dance. I failed to mention in the last post that the dance had two songs. The choreographer counted us off at the first practice (I was a 2) and the 1's got the song "American Woman" by Lenny Kravitz. In my head I'm thinking "Thank Jesus. Maybe I'll get something better than that." F no I didn't. 

I got a 1920's doodle-bop song that required us to do dance moves like a "jazz square" which I had no idea what that was until then (and might I add...I do a delightful jazz square now). I did not know this dance come the day of the pageant, and the girl next to me did not know it either (we were front row in the dead center). Great.   At one point I had to pretend I was a sailor. 

By this point, I was starving beyond belief and it was go time (my entire family came to "support" me p.s.). Right before our "opening number" (ahhhhhhh) I forget the dance. Shocking. I seriously was about to just say "I'm done." and go get a burger. I sucked it up though.

In one of the heinous videos from this, you can see me watching the girl next to me the whole time because I have no idea what I'm doing. After our dance, we had to do "introductions" (I love using quotation marks and parentheses if you haven't noticed). Introductions go like this: "I'm Sydney Fletcher from Shreveport, Louisiana, the place that I call home! And I am YOUR CONTESTANT NUMBER 15!" You have to shout the last part. My introduction was basically correct "My name is Sydney Fletcher, and I'm from Shreveport, Lousiana, where we can all "Move it Like Berney" and I am your contestant number 15." I didn't shout. I figured it would startle them. I got a few chuckles from that one.

Bathing suit time. DEAR GOD NO. Every freaking girl was ripppppppppped. I mean 12 packs, buns of steel, big boobs. Then there's me! Whee! I forgot to bring my baby oil (oh no!) so I was extremely "ashy" on the stage and everyone else was lathered up. I did get to spray "butt-glue" on my tush. Talk about a sticky situation (get it?). I look terrified walking in that damn bathing suit I can gurantee it.

Evening gown. When I can figure out how to upload the video I will and you will be excited.

It's time to announce the Top 12. I was in the second row, in the center of the group. Literally, everyone around me was chosen, so I was standing by myself in the center of everyone. Then I did the only rational thing to do so I pageant waved for about five minutes.

I did not win. I'll upload the evening gown vid later. SPOILER: I shoot the judges with my "double-guns" after a dazzling twirl. Two of them thought it was funny. The other seven did not. SEE YALL LATA!

I'm a Pageant Star. Pt. 1

This is actually really difficult to talk about, but I trust all of you in not judging me and just accepting it and leaving it behind. Here goes nothing.

First. I have the worst friends ever. Just kidding, they're all fantastic. But. Sometimes they tell me to do things that will not benefit myself but that will provide them with entertainment. For instance, the Miss LSU pageant. Yes. I'm going there. Every day at the Chi O house, we'd all be chatting over some taco salad or maybe some sandwiches, laughing about the copious amounts of funny stories being shared amongst one another. So, one day we were discussing the upcoming Miss LSU pageant. We all agreed it would be highly entertaining if me and my dear friend Palmer Harbuck would "compete" in this. Over the next couple of weeks we all came up with ideas for the pageant, such as for the swim suit portion, wear a wet suit, or a thong bikini. Finally, we decided to do it. After step-show practice my friend Emily Culotta (my support coach) and I went to the Delta Zeta house (they were the hosts of the event) and signed my sorry arse up. I never realized how simple it was to sign up for something so...public. All I had to do was write my e-mail address down and BOOM. I'm in. Terrifying (to say the least). First practice rolls around and Palmer has decided not to do it anymore. Uh. Crap. I'm all by my lonesome doing something I am completely uncomfortable with. For the next couple of months we would practice (learning how to walk, learn a dance....yeah....how to speak). It was absolutely horrible.

The dance. So the theme was "America". Flashback to Drop Dead Gorgeous? I'm getting nauseated thinking about this. Seriously haha. First, they tell us about our costumes. If you ever saw pictures (or favorably witnessed) me in a costume, its never good. I mean its a great costume, but not lady like... ever. Mainly because I dress up like boys:

Was mistaken for a pledge this night.

Ok. You get the point. So when they said "America themed costume" my eyes lit up. I'm thinking Uncle Sam, full blown. A bald eagle. One time I took a guy to grub and made him wear a bald cap to perfect our "Simpson's" costume.

Back to pageantry. When I mentioned this to "the girls" (wow.) they politely shut my idea down with "ARE  YOU SERIOUS?! You can't do that!" Fine. I'll play it off with your rules. Me being the lazy/procrastinating person that I am, waited to do this costume until the day before we had to turn them in (or whatever). I have the greatest room mate in the world. CAMILLE MOTT!!! Friend her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter. She loves that.

We got to The Party Starts Here (Baton Rouge Party City) and look for anything with red, white, or blue. I would not wear some cheesy, slooty mcsloot sloot costume so we began searching, and all that they had are the slooty mcsloot sloot costumes. I'm screwed. I found a plus size sailor costume. PERFECT. It came down to mid calf so I knew that one could possibly work. After spending a good five minutes in Hobby Lobby, we venture home to begin arts and crafts. Camille altered (stitch-witched) the whole thing. And we bedazzled the shet out of it. I seriously can not believe I wore that, good lord. It came with a teeny tiny sailor hat. "What is this? A sailor hat for ants?!"

Besides the costume, these ladies were preparing for this thing to the max. One fellow pageant star, didn't drink for about three months. St. Patrick's Day Parade had been the previous Saturday and when we discussed it I told them of my state of mind and they replied with "Well, when we do things, we don't half-ass it." Ouch. Alright, I get it. That was one thing, being a week before the pageant and what not, but I made the mistake of going out the night before the pageant (saying pageant in such a casual slang right now is really bothering me). Boy was that rough, I'm pretty sure I smelled like a walking tall, cool Budweiser (Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?).

I was recently tagged in a photo from this thing...it will not stop haunting me.

Tomorrow, I will share with yall off the details from the day of the pageant. This post would be entirely too long if so. Stay tuned for tomorrow's blog. Happy Tuesday yall.

Please Don't Lean on my Car.

GREETINGS TO ALL! I'm now enrolled in an online speech class (yeah, I don't really get it either) and I am thrilled to begin. Its one thing to post my thoughts on the Internet, but in front of an actual audience will be quite exciting. Sorry it's been many moons since the last blog post. Actually, I'm not sorry. I am no push over (I actually really am unfortunately, don't use it against me, or I'll shun/curse/kill you).

So, for all who know me well (not that many so I'll share what I secretly mean), you know that I enjoy my share of Sonic greatly. Whether I go for just a large Diet Cherry Limeade, or maybe a snack size Chili Frito Wrap (my mouths watering), I go to Sonic at least 3-4 times a week. Recently, I took the doors off of my jeep, Gretchen (she's a tomboy), and went to sonic. I pulled into one of the slots (I'm not sure why because I always go drive-thru....in case you were wondering....) and ordered a hot dog....yeah. The car hop comes out to deliver me my grub (he was decently attractive) and he has this grin on his face. Not the grin that has been previously mentioned (the OH MY GOSH I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN SO LONG grin) but a "Hey. Sup?" kind of grin. I decided to take this one step-by-step. He began to read my order to me and got all flustered and me being the absolute charmer I am agreed that it was probably correct (it wasn't). So then he leans on my car. I don't care if someone leans on Gretchen, but when you do it in such a lame-I'm-trying-to-pick-you-up-lets-go-on-a-date-that-isn't-sonic-maybe-a-movie-maybe-cascios-oh-wait-you-work-there-so-that-wouldn't-work-out-maybe-not-oh-crap-I'm-still-leaning-on-your-car kind of way, it irks me. So, as he is leaning on my car he says "Yeah...I really like your jeep. You should get like a lift and maybe a grill guard. I drive that Toyota Tundra over there, I haven't gotten anything done to it yet but I'm going to." I wasn't going to be rude but I was absolutely starving at this point so I responded with something like "Yeah, my first step was the doors, I did this about two days ago..." His response "HAHAHAHAHAHHA! You're so funny and cool!" Ok. Not really. But he did tell me his name, which will not be mentioned. Let's go with Steve. "My names Steve." Being the awkward person I am, I didn't think to tell him mine so I just said it was nice meeting you. Then I drive away and as I round the corner he was there waving at me with his tray.


This isn't him but I like this picture.

I told my friends about it (Mallory, Grayson, Haley, and Hannah) and we all got a good laugh, because this kind of thing (not that boys talk to me often but that I run into extremely awkward situations) happens to me frequently. A couple of days later, Haley and I went to Walgreen's to pick up some medication. The medication (Aciphex) sounds like something different (Ass-Effects) so we waited until the two people that were already at the counter were done or close to. Finally, I looked at Haley and said "Do you know that guy? I'll just go ask for it." She didn't know him but I went up there by myself anyways. I'm standing in line behind two people who came off as a young couple (young meaning close to my age, not like a 12 year old couple, which would be strange) and the boy turned around and looked at me and said "Hey! I know you." Oh gosh. "I was your car hop at Sonic the other day! Remember? Steve?" WHY ME?!?!?! "Yeah! I remember you, my name's Sydney by the way." I'm about to ask for Ass-Effects in front of Steve. Wonderful. I was still in my work clothes which consists of a t shirt and a tennis skirt with tennis shoes. He asks me "So do you go to Loyola? With the whole uniform thing?" I replied..."I'm actually a junior in college." My answer disappointed him it appeared. The whole time, his "girlfriend" was standing there getting her medicine, probably not Aciphex, and he nudged her and said "Hey, this is Sydney, I car hopped for her the other day." This is strange. "Nice to meet you" "Nice to meet  you too? (I don't know who you are)". "This is my sister." Oh ok. Already meeting the family. Yay. See ya later.

Needless to say, I've had to avoid my favorite Sonic that's closest to my house. HOW SAD FOR ME. Maybe I'll build the courage to go back. Maybe he'll propose to me. Hmm. We'll see. I'll update yall later. HAPPY THURS! Bii.