My Top 3 Most Despised Commercials

1)

 "Richie", you're band is going to go absolutely nowhere, whether you purchase online auto insurance from an annoying stout cartoon who probably never even served in the military..........I'm not exactly sure what kind of band this even is...There's Richie, who looks like an older "Brady Bunch" brother, you've also got the Jason Mraz wannabe in the fedora back yonder. Then there's the guy in the dreads...rasta?..

2) First things first, changing the way every character in your commercial says "It works (worx?) for me" isn't going to sell your product, also, little late on this one Worx Energy, 5-hour energy totally beats you out. Secondly, besides putting every child's dream job on this (doctor, firefighter, stay at home mom.....) why would anyone be working out in a bikini? If you take notice, her intense yet creepy glare lingers for at least three seconds, leaving me hating this commercial that much longer.

3) And lastly, J.G. Wentworth...

Need I say more? My favorite part is either the young African-American couple singing opera yet still insinuating a more hip-hop beat or the fact that they put lyrics to this horrible yet catchy (don't even act like this isn't one of your guilty pleasures) commercial.

We've (I've) created an e-mail for this glorious piece of technology so you can e-mail me thoughts, topics, hate mail, whatever you want! myawkwardblog@gmail.com, get after it kids. Happy Thursday!

Kids say the darndest things.

Amen Bill Cosby. This may be a surprise to most of you, but whenever I was younger, I said the most absurd things. Yesterday, while hanging with my posse, Haley and Grayson, we came across the fact that my brain really twists around phrases, making them seem disgusting and crude. What a charming quality I possess. Needless to say, our conversation brought up a few memories of my childhood that I would be delighted to share with you. Everyone remembers the cartoon of Sylvester and Tweety. Sylvester's catch phrase, "Suffering succotash!", Sufferin' Succotash what a hit. That phrase got my parents and their friends many laughs when it came to ol' Sydney Fletcher's twist on words. I would go around, thinking I was just so hilarious and cute, saying this phrase, except I didn't have it all right...I thought it would be better as "F*ckering f*ckotash!" Yes, and just to be clear, my parents never went around and said the F-word slangily, it literally just popped into my head (you're welcome mom and dad). Another "off" moment I experienced was in the grocery store with my dad, I was probably 3 or 4, (this one may bite you in the rear dad) he was pushing me in the cart and I would say "Daddy, you have a vanilla face." His response, "No, you have a vanilla face!" I know, precious daddy/daughter bonding. This continued back and forth for a while when a man walked past us and I shouted "Daddy, he has a chocolate face!" You get my drift. My poor dad. We raced out of that grocery store pretty quickly. The last phrase that I shall post about is the phrase "love at first sight". You're probably wondering how someone can mess up such a common phrase, well let me tell you, it's possible. Me and my mom were driving down East 70th around Christmas time, you know, when they have the Salvation Army volunteers awkwardly collecting change at every red light? Well one of them was smoking hot, I know, don't judge me. So we made intimate eye contact for like 8 seconds, and it was truly magical. Later that day, I went over to my dad's house, and when he asked about my day, Salvation Army boy pops into my brain and I blurt out " DAD. I made love at first sight today!" I wonder what was running through his head...possibly "Crap. My daughter is a sleaze."? Fortunately, he understood what I meant, or did you dad? ;)
Just kidding. Well, considering this was an early post, you may all be in luck for another one later on this evening. G'day. Just for piss n' laughs (is that right?): Old Gregg (memory lane folks, memory lane.)

Friend you or not?

Facebook friend-ing is one of the most awkward online abilities. Certain situations are acceptable for friend-ing, but others....not so much. For instance, you meet someone at a bar for about a minute. Not acceptable, psychopath. But other situations, say you meet someone but you end up hanging out with them for quite a while,  is a little more understanding. Recently, I was put into a situation by a new friend (or foe), we won't use names...Drew, and he decided to friend someone from my Facebook that I do not know well enough, basically making me look like a complete stalker. Yay. Also, have you ever realized that you may have a Facebook friend from many moons ago that you don't know very well or don't know very well anymore and yet they can still see everything you're doing? I guess with me, everything that I'm doing is pretty strange. My best friend and I, Hannah Lane, live a bit of a distance apart, so one way we can keep in touch is through Facebook videos. Yes, the most public display of communication. Our videos aren't just simple "Hello's!" either, they quite often consist of lip syncing songs that are just terrible creations from terrible artists, or staring into the abyss for about a minute. I realized today that people I do not know very well can definitely see these videos and probably think I am a lunatic. But it's ok, because the people who know me very well and vice-versa appreciate how strange I may be. So, you're welcome. Just kidding. Random Fact: Every time someone says "just kidding",  seventy-five percent of the time they are being honest. Hope that doesn't cause any tiffs! Have a scrumtralescant evening.

Who's the pervert who designed bathroom stalls?

Have you ever wondered, "Who's the perv who designed public bathroom stalls?" No? Well, next time you're at the movies or maybe your favorite restaurant, take a trip on over to the restrooms and be a witness to today's blog topic. There you will take notice that the toilets in the stalls are pervertedly setup right in the center of the swinging doors crack so that all who are waiting to use the restroom can simply watch you do-the-do. This may be TMI for some of you viewers (yet again, unless it's me and my dad) but I was in the restroom of my occupation at Cascio's Market Bistro (Shed Road, Monday-Saturday, ask for Sydney ;) ) and I noticed that I was in the center of the crack, which is atleast an 1 and 1/2 inches wide. Then, to my surprise, a little ginger girl (no offense little ginger girls) decided to peek on through like the perverted 12 year-old that she is. A) I was extremely disturbed, and B)Why didn't you look away nasty child? Either way, the man/woman (highly unlikely) who created this "fad" needs to be stopped, possibly put into custody? Or maybe just rot away like the Peeping-Tom-Porta-Potty man. Porta-Potty Peeping Tom. Be aware friends, and be safe. TGIF, get crazy, get wild, there's a party. God speed.

The Dentist

Greetings again everyone. Today was raining again, but none the less it still is a beautiful day to blog......anyways....Today I've decided to tell all about my absolutely horrid trip to the dentist. Recently, I ventured to Mulberry Mountain for the music festival Wakarusa. It was an absolute delight! Sincerely scrumtralescant if I may say so myself. While I was enjoying some dirty dub-step, I realized my tooth felt extremely odd....and pointy. I told myself to not worry about it for the rest of the night and in the morning I;d take a gander. I take my gander and this is what I see:

Just kidding. But, I had chipped my tooth enough for me to look like a hillbilly. I made an appointment with a new dentist. STOP. Bad move right there. Always stick to a well-known or previously used dentist. I go in to see Dr. X (code names). When I get there the dental assistant cleans my teeth and is ready to send me. So I stop her and say "Madam, I've yet to get this chip fixed and it's what I came here to do." She responded with "How does August 6th sound?" Let me tell you, dental ASSistant, it doesn't sound good at all. We made a few phone calls and I got an appointment yesterday morning at 7:30. Who wants to be sitting in a dental chair at 7:30 in the morning? Not I, not I. I go to see Dr. X again and this time, she's out. So now I get Dr. Geezer. Code name fits the man. The entire time he was working on my beautiful mouth he continued asking the D.A. what to do? I'm a little nervous as I'm sitting in the chair half asleep. They finally fill 'er up and when its time to floss between my two front teeth, my front tooth was the chipped, they can't fit the floss between my two front teeth because the man forgot to place a thin piece of paper between them and I end up looking like I have one giant front tooth. Uh-uh. Not good. FINALLY. They drill me a new space (ouch) and finish the job. Dr. Geezer says "We made it pretty thick so it'll be sturdy." This man has made my tooth have the thickness of a 2x4. Don't fret fellow bloggers, I don't look too crazy and it looks pretty normal. Enjoy the rest of your evening. And enjoy this lovely tune...

Tyler the Creater- Yonkers (viewers discretion is advised)

My First Real Post!

Good evening fellow viewers (possibly just myself), I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. This is my first blog and I plan on trying to post everyday, but I'll admit I'm extremely lazy so that may not be happening, but I'll try! The point of my blog is to make people laugh. Even if that means absolutely humiliating myself. And my friends. Even without their permission. Like this one time.....just kidding, I won't tell the story about you running into a pole Meredith....Usually, once a day some strange topic pops into my head and I've decided that everyday that's what I'll post about. Today I figured just a simple get-to-know-me post should do, but then I realized that isn't very funny. So! I shall post about a topic I thought of the other day, and this my gracious bloggers, is car testicles.

I have no idea why anyone would want to drive around with a pair of fake testes on their car. Recently, I saw a blue honda element with a pair of these bad boys on it and thought to myself "this is disgusting." As a former Honda element owner, God bless you beautiful, it irked me entirely knowing that someone would disgrace their beautiful automatic toaster with these foul plastic entities. If you have car balls, bless your poor soul. That's it for today folks, talk to you all (myself) tomorrow!